I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
