i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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