We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
wakey wakey hands off snakey
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
