If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
