Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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