I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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