If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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