Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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