alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
