oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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