But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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