No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
