i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
