I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
