Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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