It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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