Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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