i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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