Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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