Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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