I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Someone signed my nipple.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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