Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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