upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
