What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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