Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
