you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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