Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
