So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
