my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
