I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
