I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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