Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
do nipples grow back?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
