dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
