The maid of honor just puked.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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