I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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