I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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