I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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