So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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