I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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