just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
