Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
