I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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