She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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