I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
