so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
