Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
being pregnant is like rehab
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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