I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
