I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
