I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
not ubering you a puppy
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
