remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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