Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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