Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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