i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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