Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
