I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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