I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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