I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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