Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
