i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
